I got this woodpecker who started to drill holes in my house. A lot of them – and he won’t stop. I tried to drive this drilling drum machine off to the neighbors by saying shoo, go next door, but that didn’t work. So then I started to bang my walls whenever I heard this satanic monster with the carbide drilling bit for a head, knocking and making holes. I answered his rat tat tat tat with fierce banging of my own, until … until my clock fell down. And now it doesn’t work. Neither did my banging work. Woody just ignored my making a ruckus and kept on drilling – the SOB!
I’m tellin’ ya, I feel like I’m Elmer Fudd chasing Bugs Bunny. Elmer kept saying he was gonna get that wabbit! And, me? I find myself saying I’m gonna get that peckerhead. Look, I know it’s not a very nice thing to say and all, but it’s not like I’m shooting him with a wifle, like Elmer Fudd did to that screwy wabbit. But I’m really getting annoyed now. I’ve had it up to here, what with the Corona Shelter In Place rules. I’m getting quite angry. I just don’t have time to be chasin’ around trying to get this feather headed hammer drill to stop making like John Henry on my fascia board. There are too many Baywatch reruns I haven’t seen.
I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though: If that freaking peckerhead comes around and utters anything that sounds like Eh, What’s up Doc? – I’m gonna get that bastard. I swear, I’m gonna get him! I’ll fight ‘em in the air and on the beaches, I’ll fight ‘em on the roof and on the siding, I’ll fight ‘em in the streets with a broom and a pea shooter. I’ll protect my house, no matter what the cost! … as long as it’s less than 5 bucks. Lao Du