​​This is a dangerous sport we’re engaged in. Who would have thunk it? Ping Pong? Hey, you should be asking yourself whether you should you let your toddler start playing ping pong in the first place (think football as a possible safer alternative; maybe rugby). Your little rugrat can get a finger caught in the net. His head could hit the table. And then there are the rest of the injuries connected with the sport – that’s the quandary parents are facing these days. I’ll tell you straight out: I wouldn’t let my kid play ping pong. No way! I mean you’re talkin’ real pain and suffering from arthralgia, myalgia , neuralgia, proctitis (well, maybe not that), arthritis and rheumatism – all kinds of ‘itis’es and ‘isms’ and ‘algias’ – enough to make you sick. As I write this, my shoulder is killing me, and that’s after taking two Advils. And, of course, I can hardly put any pressure on my right knee – the one without a meniscus. My Achilles is acting up, too, which is right next door anatomically to my plantar fasciitis (that’s not a political affiliation, by the way). I blame it all on ping pong.

​Editor’s Cautionary Note: Lao Du, a.k.a. “Retro Man,” is not a relic of some bygone era – he is a relic of today! His views are anachronistic and outmoded. He even talks like he’s from a bygone century. For example, he uses “22 Skidoo” all the time; nobody – and I mean nobody – knows what it means except him and Gabby Hayes. Yet, somehow he has survived from the distant past, from some faraway, remote, nonadjacent galaxy. He shouts from the rafters and other high perches of his, wailing and moaning about the injustices of his losing to what he often refers to as the corrupt world of the squishee. When he occasionally wins, you don’t hear any bewailing or bemoaning – not a peep out of him. He only gripes about “techno-bats,” as he refers to them, when he loses! Try to disregard the crybaby absurdness that follows if you can, because every now and then – when there’s a blue moon – he accidentally, and very unintentionally, can come up with something sensible (in this case, about ‘nets’ – see below). Of course, you have to wade through his flapdoodle/screwy-hooey before you get to anything substantial. My advice: Put on some boots before trudging through all of his …gunk. Good luck. Try not to drown. Oh, and one more thing: The rant that follows is strongly influenced by the movie Elmer Gantry (Burt Lancaster), which Lao Du apparently viewed recently on the free Turner Movie Network (i.e., he didn’t pay to see it). Lots of hellfire preaching here. Try to just ignore the threats on your life.