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I gotta win. I mean I still feel like I’m 15, and want to kill the guy on the other side of the net. I know this is not necessarily healthy (or nice), but the juices within still propel me to be relentless in my desire to take no prisoners in pursuit of illusive ‘victories’ at this time. But… (there’s always a but), I just can’t win anymore like I used to. My arthritic joints are killing me, and my reflexes are … I don’t think I have any reflexes. Yeah, my body is fallin’ apart, so what should I do? A quandary.
Well, after deep contemplation, I have come up with some new options. This is for myself. (Editor: And for any other aging, megalomaniacal has-beens, who find themselves similarly situated and deeply distressed by such grim circumstances.) In previous blogs I have come up with some handy excuses you can use (the sun got in my eyes, electromagnetic radiation), and those are okay and all – but … they’re really not satisfactory in the long run, because an ‘excuse’ for losing doesn’t put you in the winner’s circle. And, remember, we’re still reaching for the brass ring. That’s our objective. Let’s face it, we really haven’t quite come to grips with losing, as yet. Alright, so here’s what I’ve come up with: CHEAT!
Don’t be shocked. Cheating, lying – all these professional sports guys do it. The Green Bay quarterback, Rodgers, lied his head off recently about vaccinations. So did that joker playing tennis, the one they’re calling No-Vax Djokovic. But it’s not just the present-day millionaire and billionaire sports guys doing this. Remember Rosie Ruiz? She’s the broad who won the Boston Marathon back in the 80’s – excerpt she didn’t really win. She kinda just entered the 26 mile, 385 yard marathon at around the 26 mile mark (she only ran the last half mile in Boston, and she also took the subway for a ride before finishing a marathon in N.Y.). And Pete Rose lied about gambling. And Lance Armstrong used forbidden drugs (lied about it, too). So did Roger and Sammy (Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa).
Now all of these bums lied and, by doing so, hurt others – not just themselves. My proposed method is only meant for use by us small potatoes out for just another moment in the sun, not for a financial reward. We’re not gonna hurt anybody in the pocket and, get this – we’ll admit we made a mistake right away (without coaxing). It’s a little devious, sure – but it has an honest flavor to it – don’t ya think? (Editor: No!)
Okay, so you’re wondering how to do this. Here’s how. But first, before we go any further, I must warn you and emphasize that cheating in ping pong is an art form, but it’s extremely challenging and problematic. You can place yourself in dire peril, because it’s generally not in keeping with acceptable standards to call a ball which lands on the table “out” (your opponent can become upset and he may call the cops – or he may just get a bat and bop you over the head). So since you can’t really get away with that, your cheating has to be focused on the score. That’s right! Of course, the score! You just give yourself some points, or take some points away from the other guy. Simple! But that’s just half of it. You need a getaway car - and that’s the ingenious part. If you’re caught, you’ll have to demonstrate to your opponent that you have dementia. (Editor: you have to be demented to even try this.)
Now, I’ve lived a long time (wisdom, baby!), and I’ve found that there are two excuses which have repeatedly proven to be unchallenged in life and which makes them sacrosanct: They are Diarrhea and Dementia. That’s right! No one argues with either one. Really! Diarrhea and Dementia work. You just say you have one of those and everyone will leave you alone. You’re off the hook.
Ya know that old joke?
Patient: Doctah, Doctah, I think I’m losing my memory.
Doctor: Oh, and how long has that been going on?
Patient: How long has what been going on?
Granted, it may not be funny if you think about it for a few seconds, but there is a kernel of truth which can be extracted from it which is incontrovertible – no one will argue with you if you’re missing a few marbles. Or, maybe more than a few. Which is good. Why? Because it’s the equivalent of being found not guilty by reason of mental illness – that’s why. Lao Du
Editor: What your proposing is unethical and dishonorable.
Lao Du: Okay, I changed my mind. I’m not gonna do it.
Editor: What changed your mind?
Lao Du: You! You’re not to be trusted. I know you’ll fink on me.
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