Part V: (This portion of the “Evolutionary History of Ping Pong” has been expunged. Lao Du wishes to particularly express his apologies to those using sandpaper rackets for this unforeseen development.)
Editor’s Note: After careful consideration, and with no desire to squelch or censor free speech and first amendment rights, a decision has been made to foreclose the final edition (Part V) of Lao Du’s alleged history of ping pong. This judgement, to forbid the publication of this fifth component of his vitriolic screed, was made because of his insensitivities and slurs against the native Indian population. For example, Lao Du cast several aspersions against the Commanchees, to wit:
“The Tomahawk serve was actually a North American Indian invention. The most ferocious tribe, the Comanches, who were originally just primitive stone age people living in rural Wyoming, perfected a game closely resembling the sport we now know as modern table tennis. And, of course, since they used those devilish tomahawks in war, they put them to dual usage as a form of racket. Reflecting the bellicosity of the tribe, if someone had the cojones to return a tomahawk serve and its tremendous sidespin or topspin, he would have had to have tremendous athleticism to avoid the actual tomahawk accelerating toward him with the force of a Saturn V. Most of these games ended in a fatality, which was probably a good thing (i.e., lowering their own population) since attacking new, docile and pacifist American settlers in the Comanches’ self-proclaimed tribal territorial area, did not provide them with enough food to feed an expanding band of savages (or noble savages, depending on your point of view).”
In referring to Chickasaw and Choctaw (Indians) as “salad dressing flavors,” he stated unequivocally that “these tribes, after being forced to leave their ancestral homes on the treacherous and unjustifiable Trail of Tears, lost most of their ping pong gear when it slipped off their pack animals and was reclaimed by Gabby Hayes (western sidekick to Hopalong Cassidy and Gene Autry in the movies and on TV) who was following them.” Hayes, he says, did not fear the Great Spirit, “because he paid the Indians off with wampum consisting of firewater and a few cartons of Lucky Strikes.” Then Lao Du added another whopper, another unsupported loony assertion – that the bewhiskered Hayes went on to become the Father of modern Ping Pong! – totally nonsensical, when most well-informed people recognize that the sidekick to Roy Rogers, Andy Devine, was the real father of ping pong.
He also vehemently denounced the Anacostank and Pamunkey tribes, because it was easy to make fun of their names. But what was even more outlandish, was his gross claim that the Munsee Indians from “New Joysey” (as he so defamed the Garden State) discarded their ornate headdresses for yarmulkas when they converted to orthodox Judaism and took over the school boards in their namesake town.
He also seemed to have this odd obsession with the Seemiller Grip. He condemned the “kooky, oddball” Tuscaroras for what he called their “beastliness” and for their “sublime stupidity” in adopting this imbecilic ping pong grip. Where he got the idea that this Carolina tribe was enthralled with the Seemiller, and where he got the idea that this tribe also couldn’t digest milk and dairy products (said the whole group was flatulent) is anyone’s guess … and is troubling.
When we see injustice in the form of racism, xenophobia, misogyny and lactose intolerance, we have a duty to call it out for what it is. If we stand by idly and hope for this bigotry and gassy indigestion to simply disappear, we are playing right into the hands of these dyspeptic and close-minded individuals. By prohibiting Lao Du’s inanity from being published, we have answered the call of righteousness. Now, in deference to our constitutional beliefs that people have a right to defend themselves, and a man is presumed to be innocent until proven guilty, I have permitted Lao Du to defend all of the repulsive and obnoxious claims he’s made in this alleged compendium of his ping pong ‘history.’ I have, however, limited his response to no more than two sentences, with the mindful admonition that he not use any run-on sentences. (If I see two or more main or independent clauses that are not joined by a connecting word, I will shut him down forthwith.)
Lao Du: (Rejoinder): I’m not xenophobic. Honest Injun, nobody loves xenophobes more than I do. LD