1: Question: If I lose the first game in a match, I inevitably become nauseous. Why?
Lao Du: You’re probably pregnant.
Questioner: But I’m a man!
Lao Du: That’s what you think, but you’re no expert. I’m answering the questions here.
2: Question: What is the greatest threat to our planet?
Answer: Jeese, what in blazes kind of existential question is this for a Q and A relating to ping pong? Okay, I’ll answer it anyway. The sponge/squishee paddle is by far the greatest known threat. Stephen Hawkins, the great (and late) physicist, considered an asteroid collision to be the largest “threat to the planet”. Well, I don’t know about that. Maybe he’s wrong. Maybe only 100 % wrong.
3: Question: What is man’s greatest overall evolutionary achievement?
Answer: I dunno , but it aint Long Pips … unless you consider its use to clean dishes. And it’s a dumb question – probably the same guy who asked number 2.
4: Question: Has the ITTF approved sandpaper rackets for cuticles?
Answer: Thank you for this keratin-related question. The answer is “yes”. The ITTF has finally yielded to tremendous pressure from the basement ping pong community on this issue. The brain trust at the ITTF – that band of wizards over there in Switzerland – bowed to Home Depot and Lowes, which sell sandpaper to mechanics, carpenters, hobbyists and real ping pong players. They acknowledged their prior mistakes and misjudgments and have acceded to demands at recognizing the need for a paddle, not for just treating hangnails, but one which can push cuticles back to where they rightfully belong. For years, sandpaper rackets have been put to a secondary good use in filing fingernails, but now they’ve finally been authorized for these other special uses, none of which can be performed by your average (or non-average) sponge paddle.
5: Question: Will the federal government issue an Emergency Use Authorization(an EUA) during the Covid-19 pandemic, allowing for the use of sandpaper rackets?
Answer: Since sandpaper rackets are effective against Nittaku balls and other 40mm+ variants, Dr. Fauci is expected to make the formal announcement approving this legislation any day now.
6: Question: Do you have to be short to play a short game? (The short game refers to shots that fall close to the net.)
Answer: C’mon, ya big doofus! What kind of question is that? Hey, do you have to be short to bake a shortcake? Do you have to be short to wear shorts? No, is the answer… and go back to your cave.
7: Question: Do some table tennis manufacturers make ‘dead balls’?
Answer: No, but the questioner is conceivably dead. A dead ball should be distinguished from a dead player, who is an opponent without a pulse or brain waves. Best to remove the corpse before hitting another ball less you be suspected of killing your opponent or, at a minimum, of acting as an accessory in committing a murder. Now, if the ball you smash enters the opponent’s pharyngeal cavity, you will be expected, under the law, to remove it and restore his airway (sort of like doing the Heimlich Maneuver). Failure to do so may result in your prompt removal from the club (but after the ambulance takes away the dead guy first). A club suspension will probably also be in your future, pending review by the PPHC – the Ping Pong Homicide Committee. Lao Du
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